I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how much of myself I put into my online outlets. I've read soooo many articles about how to be a better blogger, online shop owner, etc. etc., and one common thread throughout is that people respond to people and not perfection. That's something that I really have a tough time with. Don't we all? The whole purpose of being body positive is trying to work through my own insecurities and learn to love myself just the way I am. But it's harder for me to do that on an emotional level, and not just about the way I look.
My sophomore year of college I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder. It all culminated one night in a really horrible panic attack that left me holed up in my dorm room for a week. I was scared and just physically exhausted and sick. I had a very unsympathetic roommate who made things even harder for me. She was a Psych major and felt qualified to tell me that things were just in my head and that I shouldn't take any medication because I could just "deal with it." But really, that's not what I'm getting at here! One by one my friends started falling to the wayside.
I get it. I mean, I really do. My disorder is a lot to ask anyone to deal with. I cancel a lot of plans last minute. Sometimes I can't deal with large crowds. I'm always afraid something will trigger a panic attack. And sometimes I feel bad just because, and I can't explain why. That's a lot to ask anyone to understand, especially people who are about 19 and 20 years old. By the time my graduation rolled around in 2010 I had zero school friends left, except for my then-boyfriend (now husband).
Even though I know on a higher level that it's messed up, what I took away from this experience is that I shouldn't always share too much of myself. If I'm too needy, or always down and sad, people just don't want to spend time with me. So since then I have prevented myself from forming close friendships because deep down I feel that as soon as I begin to invest emotionally in someone, they will realize what a burden my friendship is and leave.
This affects my blogging, even! When I have a bad day I just "edit" it out, so to speak. I don't mention it. I include very little text. And I think that needs to stop. If you're here reading this, I need to trust that something about me is interesting and valuable to you and that's that.
So, hey! That's me! This is a big step for me and I'm ready to make the commitment to you guys that I am going to be more forthcoming and honest about who I am-- not just as a fatshionista, but as a real life human being. Let's see where this road takes us!
90s button down shirt, thrifted. burgundy skinnies, kmart. necklace, dots. spiked flats, gojane.com.