My sophomore year of college I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder. It all culminated one night in a really horrible panic attack that left me holed up in my dorm room for a week. I was scared and just physically exhausted and sick. I had a very unsympathetic roommate who made things even harder for me. She was a Psych major and felt qualified to tell me that things were just in my head and that I shouldn't take any medication because I could just "deal with it." But really, that's not what I'm getting at here! One by one my friends started falling to the wayside.
I get it. I mean, I really do. My disorder is a lot to ask anyone to deal with. I cancel a lot of plans last minute. Sometimes I can't deal with large crowds. I'm always afraid something will trigger a panic attack. And sometimes I feel bad just because, and I can't explain why. That's a lot to ask anyone to understand, especially people who are about 19 and 20 years old. By the time my graduation rolled around in 2010 I had zero school friends left, except for my then-boyfriend (now husband).
Even though I know on a higher level that it's messed up, what I took away from this experience is that I shouldn't always share too much of myself. If I'm too needy, or always down and sad, people just don't want to spend time with me. So since then I have prevented myself from forming close friendships because deep down I feel that as soon as I begin to invest emotionally in someone, they will realize what a burden my friendship is and leave.
This affects my blogging, even! When I have a bad day I just "edit" it out, so to speak. I don't mention it. I include very little text. And I think that needs to stop. If you're here reading this, I need to trust that something about me is interesting and valuable to you and that's that.
So, hey! That's me! This is a big step for me and I'm ready to make the commitment to you guys that I am going to be more forthcoming and honest about who I am-- not just as a fatshionista, but as a real life human being. Let's see where this road takes us!
90s button down shirt, thrifted. burgundy skinnies, kmart. necklace, dots. spiked flats, gojane.com.
I have anxiety disorder too, with a side of delusional disorder...which basically means that when my anxiety flares up, I'm not only anxious, I'm also thoroughly convinced that there are murderers lurking outside my door, or gun-toting rapers walking around Dillards. (When I'm fine it sounds completely illogical and I know that, but when I'm in the midst of an attack, I can't even leave the house to pee the dog.)
ReplyDeleteI get ya, lady. Friends for me are few and far between as well...I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but I can't lie. Sometimes I'll be great for weeks, months, I've even had quiet periods of up to a year, but when it's there, it's there, and you deal as best as you can, and when you're well, you just gotta take advantage of that too. :) Thanks for being so open about this! You're not alone!
I live for the anxiety-free periods!! But while I hate the bad times, they are still a part of me, and I'm going to try harder to be open about them too. Thanks for sharing your story with me! It helps knowing there are others out there who know exactly how I feel. :)
DeleteBig hugs to you! I love reading your blog for all your fashionista posts, but I loved this one even more because it included a deeper side of you! And one that I can empathize with as well.
ReplyDeleteLike many, I also have problems with anxiety, and have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression. A few months ago I decided to stop "editing" my life on Facebook, and just put it all out there for my family and friends to see, and whoever didn't like it could just unfollow me.
I know it's cliche, but it really did feel like a weight was lifted when I made that decision. Editing your life so everyone only sees the good bits is hard work, and so unrealistic! I look forward to reading more about you and your real-life in the future :)
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. :) This was a very difficult post for me to write and it definitely helps knowing that someone out there totally gets it. Thank you for reading! I do feel relieved and I'm excited to see where this journey leads next.
DeleteAwe, you definitely should let it out! Let people know! I think you just have to find the right quality of people to handle what you go through. I developed severe anxiety and depression after having my first baby and it flared up even worse after my second. Still getting it under control but in the meantime I let people know, straight up, hey I might cancel on you last minute and this is why. Everyone is super supportive and they understand. There's also days where I can't even go to the grocery store, and my husband completely gets it as well. You just need good people around you! But in order to find those people you have to be open and honest to weed out the bad ones.
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